


Just This Once

by In_the_aroace_brigade



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Drug Use, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Gen, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-10
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2019-05-20 12:08:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14894373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/In_the_aroace_brigade/pseuds/In_the_aroace_brigade
Summary: Sans is willing to try anything to ease the pain he feels, at least once.





	Just This Once

Sans rolled over again and sighed, staring at the ceiling of his bedroom. He was having another sleepless night. The endless ticking of the grandfather clock they had gotten once they reached the surface didn’t help; instead it served as a constant reminder that he should be spending all this time asleep. He rolled out of bed and stumbled towards the door, heading to the bathroom.

A harsh light greeted his eye sockets as he flipped the switch up, causing Sans to curse quietly. He fumbled for the medicine cabinet and brought out the sleeping pills the doc had provided him with. He had initially refused all medications that might cause his reaction times to be slowed, but the doc had

promised that these pills didn’t stay in your system, rather they provided a gentle urge to sleep. Shaking one in his hand, he zoned out staring at it. Why was he taking these again? What was so bad about not sleeping? Sure, he got more done on the days he slept properly, and these pills HAD been helping him, but he didn’t have anything important going on tomorrow. Why was he bothering with the meds? He could easily stay up until the next night, and he would be sure to sleep then.

“Just this once,” he muttered, tossing the pill back into the bottle. “It won’t hurt me to skip these meds tonight. ‘Sides, I have plenty I can do if I stay up.” Sans closed the medicine cabinet and shuffled out the door.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Sans hurried home, the innocuous brown paper bag weighing heavier with each step. He had no idea what an ABC store was when he stopped in there. He had been looking to get some school supplies for the kid, but thoughts of that had been driven out of his mind when he gazed upon row after row of liquors. He hadn’t even stopped to look at any of the labels, just grabbing two from the first two shelves and going immediately to checkout. He still had no idea what he was holding, but human liquor had to be good, right? In Snowdin the only place to find alcohol was at Grillby’s, and Sans could rarely afford the steep price. But on the surface it was so cheap, less than the price of a good meal at a restaurant.

Once he got outside his home with Papyrus he forwent the doors and just popped straight into his room, eager to not explain his purchase. Papyrus wouldn’t be upset, but he might be concerned and probably wouldn’t let Sans go through with what he was about to do. “Just this once, I just want to see what it tastes like. People are always raving about it, I want to see how it stacks up to our monster variety.”

Pulling one of the bottles out of the bag, he glanced at the label and saw that it was vodka of some sort. Sans shrugged his shoulders and twisted off the cap, upending the bottle over his mouth to chug it down. He only managed a few gulps before he sputtered, choking down the liquid in his throat before coughing heavily. “Whoa, that is stronger than I thought it would be. I couldn’t really taste it though, maybe I should just see how it feels to get drunk.”

He let his tongue dissolve away and lifted the bottle again, finding it infinitely easier to gulp down the contents of glass. The 750 ml slid easily down his throat and within minutes he began to feel more relaxed and at ease. “This really isn’t so bad, why does everyone say that you should be careful with this stuff. It is better than any pill I’ve ever taken.”

Sans tossed the bottle into his garbage tornado and stumbled towards the door, finally ready to eat a plate of Pap’s spaghetti.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Sans sat curled up on the couch, soul heavy in his chest. Some humans had been laughing and pointing at him earlier, wondering how a skeleton who was all bones could be so fat. Sans joked it off, but hours later he was still thinking about their comments. Humans didn’t know how monsters worked, and that he didn’t even have a stomach most of the time, so there should be no reason why their words had hurt him this much. But no matter how he tried to frame it, the sting remained.

Sans looked over at his plate of spaghetti from dinner. Papyrus had left it beside him on the couch, encouraging Sans to eat as soon as “he stopped being full from that bar!” It was an easily believable lie for Papyrus to swallow; Sans didn’t want to burden his brother with his experience earlier. Pap had already gone to bed ages ago, needing to get his sleep for an early morning workout with Undyne. He wouldn’t know if Sans ate it or not.

“Just this once,” Sans whispered, taking the plate to the back door where Annoying Dog sat waiting patiently. “Tomorrow I’ll start dieting properly, so that I can eat whatever Papyrus makes me. I don’t need these empty calories tonight though.” He quickly closed and locked the door again, listening intently for any shuffling from upstairs. Hearing nothing, he cleaned off his plate and put it away before shortcutting to his room.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Sans fidgeted at his hot-dog stand, wishing his work day was done. Being around food didn’t help matters but he didn’t want anyone else to catch him eating junk, or even anything at all. Sighing, he walked around his stand again, looking for any trash that he hadn’t picked up the first 29 times. He had almost completed a circuit when he glanced out a little and saw a cigarette package laying across the path. Scowling, he walked over to retrieve it. “Humans take advantage of being able to live here under the sky in this wide-open space. Least they could do is pick up after their garbage, the bin is literally 2 feet away.”

He snagged the pack and was about to throw it out when he heard a rustling inside. Needing any distraction, he flipped it open and saw that there was still a few cigarettes left. “Hmm, maybe they dropped it on accident. Most smokers don’t leave a single one behind.” Fiddling with the package, he crossed back over to his stand, lost in thought.

“I don’t have lungs, what is the worst that could happen if I tried one? ‘Sides, might not even affect monsters at all, and someone has to be the first to try it.” Flipping the sign that informed everyone he was on break, Sans strolled away to the tree line where few would notice him.

“Just this once,” he murmured as he lit up one of the so-called cancer sticks. “For science.”

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Sans shortcut into his room, faceplanting onto his bed. He couldn’t believe how much he had royally fucked up this time. He had made a mistake at the lab that cost them months of research and thousands of dollars of grant money. The head researcher had pat his back and told him that it was an honest mistake, and one that was easy to make. He had droned on about some mistake he had done in his early days, which only caused Sans more frustration. Yes, he knew mistakes could happen, but HE didn’t make them, he only fixed them. And seeing as he was one of only a few monsters in the lab, he was pretty sure that they were just overlooking this mistake until they could find another monster to replace him. One who didn’t lose everything that the team had been working towards for ages. He had seen some of the looks the others had given him when he had packed up to go home for the day. It was only a matter of time.

Sans sat up, trying to hold himself together. Papyrus would be home within the next half hour and if he started crying and panicking about it now, he wouldn’t be able to pull himself together in time to fake it in front of Paps. He wearily stood up and took a shortcut to the bathroom, wondering if splashing cold water on his face would help. Sans leaned forward, gripping the edge of the sink. He had been getting dizzy lately with every shortcut he took. Whatever, it didn’t matter. Grasping a washcloth, he wet it under the faucet and wiped his face down. But every time he wiped away the tears bubbling up in his eyes, more would take their place. Throwing the damp cloth down, he collapsed onto the toilet seat and held his head in his hands. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Pap’s rubber ducks, his shower cap, his…razor? Oh right, Papyrus had come home with a straight-edge razor one day, decreeing that he would grow a beard and learn to shave it off, like the human did. Sans had been laughing too hard to tell him that skeletons couldn’t grow beards, so Papyrus had put it in here, eagerly awaiting the day when he would be able to use it.

Seeing the razor reminded Sans of something he had overheard one of his work colleagues discussing. Apparently they had found their kid cutting themselves to “ease the pain.” At first Sans hadn’t understood why causing pain would ease pain, but the human had explained that apparently their child was feeling mentally overwhelmed and stressed, and that causing physical pain had felt grounding to them. The human had been quick to reassure them that they were doing their best to help ease their child’s stress levels, and had even proudly proclaimed that they hadn’t felt the need to touch the razor in over a week. Sans had tucked the information in the back of his mind, putting it down to another weird quirk of humans. But now, he rolled up his sleeves, staring thoughtfully down at the smooth bone.

“Just this once, this has been a really tough day and I don’t need to burden Pap with it.” Sans picked up the razor blade and placed it against his radius, drawing it across his bone. Dust flaked off and he felt his body alert him to the pain, the pressure in his head easing. He smiled slightly and drew a few more lines across his bones, even switching sides to make it even. A minute later and he was barely even thinking of his day at work. He rinsed his arms under the water and pulled his sleeves back down, ready to face his brother.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Sans stared at his alarm clock, curses filling his skull but never leaving his mouth. He hadn’t slept again last night, even though he had drunk half a bottle of liquor to knock him out. He hadn’t taken his pills because you weren’t supposed to take them with alcohol, and he had really needed a drink. But now morning had come all too soon and he wasn’t ready to take on the day yet. The lab was supposed to undergo its yearly inspection, and while he knew that he had taken care of all of his own duties, part of him still wanted to get there early to make up for his major screw up a few weeks ago. The other parts of him were groaning and aching in the morning light. He hadn’t been sleeping well for the past couple weeks now, probably because of all the stress, especially with his multiple jobs.

A thought crossed his mind that he could just skip work today. It was unlikely anyone would care, even if they did notice. In fact, they might even be thankful that he wasn’t there to screw this up either. Deciding it was his civic duty to not go to work, Sans sent a quick email to his boss saying he wasn’t feeling well and wouldn’t be in for work that day. Once finished, it only took a few taps on the screen to power the phone down before it was tossed away.

He reached over and turned unplugged the alarm clock, not wanting his off day interrupted. “I work every day, I need a break, just this once. They’ll be fine without me.” Sans dropped his skull back on his pillow and drifted off again.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Sans sat at the kitchen table, his grungy clothes hanging off his frame. On the other side was a silent Papyrus, and a plate of spaghetti sat between them.

“JUST EAT IT SANS, I MADE IT ESPECIALLY FOR YOU.” Papyrus implored him.

Sans pulled a grin onto his face. “I already had dinner Paps, just save it for later.” He declined to tell Papyrus that his dinner was an entire bottle of Disaronno and a cigarette.

“SANS, I AM CONCERNED ABOUT YOU, AND A LITTLE DIAPPOINTED IN SOME OF THE BEHAVIORS THAT YOU HAVE DEVELOPED HERE ON THE SURFACE. I THINK THE HUMANS MAY BE A BAD INFLUENCE ON YOU.” Papyrus stared down at his hands, missing the flicker in Sans’ expression.

“YOU BARELY EAT ANYMORE AND HAVE LOST A LOT OF WEIGHT, WHICH I DIDN’T EVEN THINK WAS POSSIBLE. YOU ALSO DON’T SLEEP, AND YOUR BOSS CALLED ME TODAY ASKING ABOUT YOU. THEY SAID YOU HAVE MISSED SEVERAL DAYS THIS PAST MONTH. ALL I SEE YOU DO IS LAZE AROUND, DRINK, AND SMOKE THOSE INFERNAL DEATH STICKS. I THOUGHT THINGS WOULD BE BETTER HERE ON THE SURFACE, BUT I GUESS I WAS WRONG.”

Papyrus stood up and jogged up to his room, his door closing behind him. Meanwhile, Sans sat immobilized in his chair, feeling as if his world was crashing down around him. He was disappointing Paps, he was making him concerned, he was a burden, he was messing up _again_. Sans wondered if this was what a heart attack felt like for humans. Through all the resets, all the timelines of watching his brother and friends die, all the times of having to kill the child over and over…nothing had felt as bad as this. It was as if he was shriveling up inside, and there was nothing but pain to fill the void.

Sans numbly stood up and walked up the stairs, feet thudding on each step. One of the customers at his hotdog stand had been short the past couple times, and Sans had let him slide. In return, they had eventually come back with a bottle of pills that they had promised would take away any pain he had. Sans hoped that they were right.

Reaching the landing, he gazed sadly at Papyrus’ closed door before shuffling down the hall to his own room. Once inside, he twitched his hand at the door and the lock sprung shut, closing him off. He reached under his mattress and pulled out the bottle of pills, shaking several into the palm of his hand. “A lot of pills for a lot of pain, right? I don’t want to be in pain anymore. Maybe this way Paps won’t be so disappointed.”

Tilting his head back, he tossed over half the bottle down his conjured throat, nearly gagging. Grabbing a nearby bottle of rum, he took several swigs to wash the pills down. He settled down on the bed, sipping now and then until he felt the pills start to take effect. “Yes, it is better so.” Sans slurred out, the bottle dropping from his grasp.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Papyrus knocked on Sans’ door, his gloved hands clutching several sheaths of information. “SANS, I MADE YOU AN APPOINTMENT WITH A HUMAN DOCTOR THAT SPECIALIZES IN MENTAL HEALTH. I WAS WILLING TO LET YOU TRY TO HANDLE THIS ON YOUR OWN BUT I HATE SEEING YOU IN PAIN. REACHING THE SURFACE ONLY SEEMED TO MAKE SOME OF THIS WORSE, AND I THOUGHT YOUR STATE IN SNOWDIN HAD BEEN BAD ENOUGH. PLEASE COME OUT AND TALK TO ME, WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS TOGETHER. I LOVE YOU SANS, YOU ARE THE BEST BROTHER A SKELETON COULD ASK FOR.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you are ever feeling this way, it may be hard to hang on and reach out, but I beg of you:
> 
> "You cannot give up just yet. Stay Determined!"


End file.
